On post-partum anxiety after loss

“You spent nine agonizing months fearing he had died every second. It isn’t logical to assume that just goes away,” my friend Nora texted me. Continue reading

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Thoughts/happenings!

Within the first week of Joel coming home from the hospital Mark spent, I kid you not, 2.75 hours calling around St. Louis nurseries in search of the perfect pine tree for our front yard, because, when we constructed our house, we spent thousands trying to preserve an oak tree that is now dead, so we are being forced to plant a replacement tree in effort to recover our tree deposit from our municipality. But my point with this is that Mark needs to learn to better manage his time. Continue reading

Joel’s story

I’ve been itching to post Joel’s birth story, but until today, writing it seemed a task insurmountable, because, turns out, being a parent to a living child and to a dead child is hard work. And so is breastfeeding. So much so that I struggle to envision the day where I partake in activities unrelated to lactation. And also, the idea of writing Joel’s story has seemed daunting, because I spent seven action-packed days in the hospital (three prior to his birth and four after), but today I’m attempting, in this different sort of timeline format, and I’m hoping that I can resume my regular writings shortly so I can share my other recent experiences as well as process the inevitable shitstorm of complicated emotions that accompany bringing home our beautiful baby boy almost exactly one year after leaving our other beautiful baby boy behind. So here goes… Continue reading