Conversations I don’t want to have with people I don’t want to talk to

I don’t want to be asked about how my big house feels with three people living in it now. It feels pretty fucking awful and awesome at the same time. Because there should be four of us living in it, though we’re still lucky to have the three of us, living and healthy, I suppose. But really, you don’t want to stop for long enough to hear me out with my complicated answer, so I’ll just continue to stare at you blankly while you assume everything’s great.

I don’t want to hear about your two screaming kiddos who are four and three and still don’t sleep through the night and then jokingly be offered one of them, “Hey – want another one? You can have one of mine! Hahaha!” No. Actually, I don’t want one of yours. I want Matthew. Why don’t you offer up one of your children to someone who didn’t lose one of hers?

I don’t want to commiserate with you about what it was like to bring home your first child – how it was so stressful, yet so special, because it was your first, and there’s just nothing like a first. Joel is my second child. My first child is dead.

I don’t want to hear, “Welcome to parenthood!” every time I talk about Joel not napping or being fussy or about me being stressed out when he’s in someone else’s care. I became a parent a long time ago, and I’ve already done the hardest thing a parent could ever do – bury her child. I already had the most brutal introduction to parenthood, so I don’t need to be “welcomed to parenthood” now.

I don’t want to talk about “when” anyone’s baby is arriving alive. To me, it will always be “if.”

I don’t want to hear about how you are stressed out that your baby will be here in two months, but the nursery still isn’t finished. I can’t relate to these sorts of “stressors.” When it comes to pregnancy, I can only have genuine conversations about being scared your baby might die.

Please don’t tell me about your engagement/wedding/career/family plans for five years down the road. Five years is a long ass time, and things are not in our control, and it could all blow up at any moment.

Happy Friday (in a few hours).

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17 thoughts on “Conversations I don’t want to have with people I don’t want to talk to

  1. ((Hugs))–Yeah, all of this is pretty much perfect. We went to target today (huge step for me), and bought a few things for baby A, and a tote to start placing Kenley’s items inside (to store forever because she’s dead and doesn’t need them…) well the cashier asked if we needed gift receipts for the clothing we bought, we both said no.

    Thought that was the end…wrong.

    Her: “Oh are we expecting a little one? ”

    Me: *blank stare*

    Shane: “yep we are”

    Her: oh congratulations, and I see you have an older one too? (Bought pjs for Landon) HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

    Me: *kill me please god just shoot me now *

    Shane: yeah he’s 5. *avoid other question*

    When we left shane asked what was wrong and I just looked at him. He goes “I know what’s wrong. She asked how many kids we have.”

    Yep. Convos I don’t wanna have with this rando @ target. Kthxbye lady!!!

    I don’t understand how “old me” ever thought for one second asking about peoples children/child count was ever ok or any of my business. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Old me might have asked that question to. NEVER again. I’m sorry your trip to Target was so shitty. Everyone is asking if Joel is my first these days. People are so fucking nosy, and I should just never go out in public. ((Hugs))

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha – when people refer to their babies using “when” (unless it’s a fellow baby loss mom) I find myself correcting them in my head saying “you mean, if.” I’m so fucked up, but how could I not be?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. TGIF! Perfect post. Yesterday at work I heard three women (two with three kids) and one expecting, about doing holiday cards. One expecting said “we thought about it, but we’ll just do one next year when she’s here” — and I instantly felt sorry for myself. B/c I said the EXACT same thing last year and then my baby died. and I’m pretty sure her baby will live, which is great. It just sucks to hear these conversations EVERY GD DAY. I try not to get mad b/c I was just doing the same thing, but I really find it difficult that people can’t even pretend in front of me that this could happen to them. I know it won’t (statistically), and I don’t want it to…but at least just be sensitive to the lady whose very much planned for and wanted baby died not so long ago! No one can understand that the pain, guilt, anger, and everything else that comes with losing your baby does not go away. EVER. big hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It sucks so bad. I think one of the things that makes me the most angry is people pretending it can’t happen to them right in front of me. I don’t honestly see how they can do it with a straight face… I don’t feel if the roles were reversed that I would be able to, which makes me even more angry. Huge hugs!

      Like

  3. Yes. Add to the list that I don’t want to hear about how someone accidentally got pregnant, and does not really want the baby, or how I am lucky I only have one–um, I don’t only have one, first of all, I definitely don’t feel lucky that my second one is dead.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Your post made me laugh out loud in solidarity although it’s really not funny, sometimes you gotta laugh! I think I’m so blunt these days I verge on rudeness. And you know what? I don’t even care!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha – your comment made me laugh. You’re right – sometimes laughter is better than tears. I am also completely verging on rude like almost all of the time. And I’m sure people think I’m dark and weird. And I do not care either.

      Like

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