Friday noche thoughts and happenings

I made an effort to be social, and I attended a corporate event on Thursday, a Cardinal’s baseball game. Some guy who doesn’t even work for our company ended up in our party suite and when he was confronted he bolted. I only talked to four people for the two hours I was there. At one point, I was in a conversation with JVB and my boss and another co-worker and JVB showed us a text from her mom (her parents are on a cruise). The text included a picture of this older couple (her parents), and it read, “If we were any happier, we’d be shitten mushrooms.” It was very endearing. Continue reading

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When I’m possibly the trigger

Matthew died in the middle of the hottest f#cking summer in history. I don’t know if this is true, but this is how I perceive it, how I’ll always remember it. It was at least 112 degrees and 140 percent humidity, and when we exited the hospital with a box of belongings through which, to this day, I have yet to sift, to start our most devastating walk to begin our most excruciating drive back to our old lives that we knew were over but hadn’t fully processed as such, the scorch engulfed us, making it feel even more surreal… It was almost as if the heavens had opened up just to give us one last middle finger upon our departure. Continue reading

Puppies and goddamn unicorns

It seems I’m in recovery mode from my latest meltdown. I figured I’d change it up and try making a list of things that are causing me to feel better, and maybe this will help me feel EVEN MORE BETTER, kind of like the positive affirmations where one looks in the mirror and is like, “I’m beautiful enough. I’m smart enough, and goddamn it, people like me.” (Except I’m not so sure about the “ people liking me” bit…) Continue reading

Deepest thoughts (because I can’t be any more coherent right now)

Someone anonymously dropped an Easter basket in our front yard (for Joel), so Mark assumed that it was Doris who did this and insisted that we go to thank her immediately. I was like, “But what if it wasn’t from her?” And Mark was like, “It definitely was.” So you know where this is going… We walked over to Doris’ house, and she happened to be in her front yard, and Mark was like, “Thank you so much for the basket you left for Joel!” And Doris was like, “I didn’t leave him a basket.” And Mark (seeing a shovel in Doris’ hand) was like, “Are you planting some flowers?” And Doris was like, “No, I’m burying my cat. He died today.” Continue reading

Sunday evening convos in our eclectic suburbia

When Matthew died, it really changed how I interacted with those in our neighborhood. Like with the exception of a few (and by “few” I mean three counting Doris), I didn’t actually interact. Like when I saw people I knew “before” I, quite literally, ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction, and I also threw away block party invitations, and we turned our lights off for Halloween (not that anyone trick or treats anymore), and, one time, when I saw one of our neighbors, Ed, behind me in the checkout line in the grocery store, I put all of my newly-dyed dark hair over my face (Cousin It style) and silently prayed he didn’t see me. I saw Ed a few more times thereafter, each of which I pretended I didn’t know him. Continue reading