A kitchen backsplash inspired meltdown of epic proportions

Last Monday a guy came over to install a long-overdue backsplash in our kitchen. The installation was to span early morning Monday through Wednesday afternoon. At first said backsplash installation started off all nostalgic… A reasonably good looking, fit guy in his mid-thirties, with creative tendencies (he’d auditioned for American Idol several years prior), our installer resembled this personal trainer I saw a few years back who often read aloud his dark, erotic poetry in his gym in preparation for open-mic night at the local bar and practically dry-humped his clients post-workout under the masquerade of “stretching them.” (For my fellow St. Louisians who are interested, I can probably dig up his number.) Continue reading

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On returning to work

So I returned to work this week, and, of course, the first task I tried to tackle after my three-month leave was meticulously combing my inbox. But after ten minutes I started to become distressed by what I was seeing (mostly dates in 2015/2016 that elicited disturbing visceral reactions), so I was like “fuck it” and deleted everything, figuring that if anything’s important the sender will follow up with me again. Continue reading

So we may have called 911 unnecessarily…

I think I’ve mentioned before that when I was just a wee one, I was the victim of an armed robbery home invasion, so ever since then, for about 20 years, every time someone knocks on the door or rings the doorbell, I tend to think the worst is about to happen. Never mind that it’s election season, and the most likely scenario is that it’s someone stopping by to try to convince us to vote for a specific candidate. Nope. I immediately think that an armed robbery home invasion is imminent, and I make all efforts to hide the kids, hide the wives, hide the kids, hide the wives. (Not really, but remember that viral video?!) But in all reality, I may jump into the nearest closet. Continue reading