When I’m possibly the trigger

Matthew died in the middle of the hottest f#cking summer in history. I don’t know if this is true, but this is how I perceive it, how I’ll always remember it. It was at least 112 degrees and 140 percent humidity, and when we exited the hospital with a box of belongings through which, to this day, I have yet to sift, to start our most devastating walk to begin our most excruciating drive back to our old lives that we knew were over but hadn’t fully processed as such, the scorch engulfed us, making it feel even more surreal… It was almost as if the heavens had opened up just to give us one last middle finger upon our departure. Continue reading

Some people suck less than I initially thought

When I was pregnant with Matthew, a co-worker and I had a conversation – she offered to give me all of her son’s baby clothes, because she didn’t plan to have any more children. I happily told her I’d accept whatever she wanted to give me. We chatted about this (and some other things baby-related) so joyously on this day in early July. And little did I know that less than two weeks later Matthew would be dead. Continue reading

Thoughts I should post on a baby loss forum instead

I’ve been having a difficult time lately. (You’re surprised.) I feel like I need to just write my thoughts in a stream of consciousness format to get them out of my head, and I should probably post them on a baby loss forum or tell them to my therapist, but instead I’m posting them here, because I’m strange like this. But most of these thoughts are rather dark and uninspiring, and I’m sure people will read them and think I’m a mess and then whisper behind my back, “She’s a mess,” which is kind of fair, as I sort of am a mess, but what in the hell do people expect? Continue reading